Last night I started thinking about New Year’s Eve and last New Year’s Eve was horrendous, I took an overdose and spent the night in A&E & was then admitted to a psychiatric unit. As a culture in the UK we are reminiscent and sentimental – especially at the new year. I think this is why this time of year is so hard for so many people – & dangerous for people with mental illness. Looking back is actually no good for me at all! I don’t want to think about what has gone on that went so badly wrong for me.
Last night as I lay there with these thoughts flying through my head, I heard an inner voice – I think it was God, as I have heard this same voice before and it is very different from a dissociated part voice or a psychosis voice. He said – “don’t live in your old brain, live in your new brain where you think about the present and the bright future ahead of you”; “your old brain tells you that you are destined for suicide, your new brain tells you that you are destined for a prosperous and full life, full of blessing and wonder”.
I read an interesting book called the ‘The Chimp Paradox’ which also talks about operating from different parts of our brain, and learning to tame ‘the chimp’. The chimp is often destructive.
Due to the trauma in my past I have often lived life like it would be short for me, like somehow I wouldn’t be here very long. This is from going into survival mode so many times. The saying ‘life is short’ is also not a helpful one to me as it makes me neglect myself and not invest in myself. I actually want to believe I will be around for a very long time, I want to do everything I can do be as fit, healthy and happy as possible because I am going to be in this body for a great length of time. I want to invest in myself because I am worth it and life is worth it.
I believe we can create new neural pathways and that is what I am working on everyday. Living in my new, healthy brain that thinks positively and is hopeful. It isn’t easy because thoughts still come, but the more I learn to master my mind the better chance I have of being in control and being empowered, rather than falling victim to self-sabotage.
I will win! My name ‘Tracey’ means ‘warrior’. I will overcome. I won’t just survive, I am determined to thrive. No looking back!