What I’m about to share is pretty radical, but this is what has happened and what I’ve learnt from it and this is where I’m standing now because of it. I need to share this so others can learn from my mistakes.
In 2017 I had a terrible time of repeated psychiatric hospital admissions, similar to last year, I was suicidal and made many attempts on my life. It was a horrendous time.
In August 2017 I was discharged from hospital and had tickets to go to David’s Tent – a Christian worship event. I nearly cancelled as I’d been so poorly, but something inside so strong told me I really needed to go this weekend and I begged God to do something as surely if nothing changed for me – I would die! I begged him to change my brain so I would be able to live again.
So I went to David’s Tent – whilst being on the absolute brink. I worshipped and worshipped God despite being in intense emotional pain and despair and in desperation for my life. I prayed and worshipped like I’d never worshipped before.
Amazingly I got an incredible vision from God where I felt transported to His very throne room. I saw angels around the throne chair and blazing purifying fire around Him.
I tried to move forward in this vision to get closer to him but became aware of multiple heavy chains holding me back.
God then reached down with a blood red pair of scissors (I believe now to represent Jesus’s blood) and proceeded to cut each chain that represented something different from me. The chains included worrying about finances, worrying about a career, worrying about who I am, worrying about accomodation. All things that God then promised to always take care of for me. I could let all anxieties go. I then tried to move forward again but there was a huge chain coming out of my heart. I turned around to see the person who abused me attached to it. God said “you are in bondage to Him, you are letting Him control everything about your life. Would you like to be free from that now?” I said a big yes! And just like the other chains, God cut it from me. I was finally chain free and fell face down in front of God.
God then did the miraculous! He reached inside my brain and showed me my trauma brain – all files messed up and not in the right place. He simple said “would you like me to change that for you now?”. I said yes and he simply moved his hands and everything in my brain came together as it should be. All files back in the right place. A healed brain. He then said “don’t be like Lot’s wife, don’t look back”. That was the end of the vision.
After this I was healed for 18 months. I had no dissociation, no flashbacks, no nightmares, no suicidal thoughts, I felt more peace in my heart than I’ve ever known before. I had clarity, I was so well and so happy. But, I then went on to do what God had warned me not too… I looked back!
I started seeing a psychologist as my time on the long, long waiting list had come round. I should have cancelled my place after receiving my incredible miracle but I thought ‘just in case it comes back I should go’.. biggest mistake I’ve made. Everything got undone and I started dissociating again, awful thoughts came back and I spiralled. I was mentally unwell again and on NYE 2018 took a large overdose to end it all. Back into psychiatric units I went and the carnage started all over again, and this time ten times worse than before! It came back with vengeance.
It’s taken me a year to realise where I went wrong, actually, a year to accept that I went wrong! and I’m now back to living in the truth of what God has said over me and my life again. Thank goodness I’m back to the truth again!
The main thing I want to share, regardless of anyone’s faith, just don’t look back! The only way is forward from wherever you are. Looking back just causes sadness and regrets, over analysis, heartache. Learn from it! Absolutely! But don’t stay there. Be here in the present, today, and look up.
Just keep looking up! Not down or back. Just up and forward.
Surrender to God everything you have. You don’t have to do it alone.