It has been a rocky week and the weekend was particularly rough. I dissociated and had commanding voices yet again, was hallucinating and my risk was high. I think it was triggered by over doing it, I was trying to do too much, too soon! I got ambitious and had high hopes for the trajectory my life was heading in. I stopped respecting my mental health and neglected self-care, things spiralled quickly.
In response to the voices I was hearing I kept saying back about my love for my family and friends and that what they were suggesting was not an option, but at times the voices become appealing and there relentless commands were wearing me down. My next tactic was ‘the jellyfish’, I have used it before and it works. I explained that if a jellyfish can live, then so can I. A jellyfish just blobs about – I can blob! I can blob and keep blobbing, I can handle that. The voices retreated, recognising that my awe of the jellyfish in keeping existing was keeping me going too. There is no way I can be out lived by a jellyfish! I started to fight again, for me, for my life, for my family and friends. I started to take my mental health seriously again and cancelled appointments and told my DID system (my whole self and all parts of me) that they didn’t need to step in for me, I reassured them and they settled back down.
I am still exhausted from the battle, I am still experiencing scratching sensations in my brain, I am still fragile. I know this time is key for me to rest, rest and rest some more. Just like treating a brain injury, I need my brain to recover from the attack, the episodes it experienced. I am glad it has relented and I think I have the jellyfish to thank.
I guess I go in to denial over and over again that I can live free from my mental health struggles, with doing so well I became complacent. I need to prioritise my mental health and self-care above everything! otherwise it will come crashing down on me and the anguish is debilitating. I want to live as close to a normal life as I possibly can, I want to turn what is supposedly a disability into an ability and draw from my strengths and wisdom gained from my experiences. I do not want to be a victim, enough! I need to keep doing the things I love, ride my bike, walk, love on my dog, speak to those I love. I need to pray and keep praying, I need to sing and let my heart keep singing. I need to move my body and love it, I need to be present, grounded and in the moment, always. I need to listen to my needs and love myself through it. I need to turn set backs into spring boards, turn pain into chances. I need to realise I am more than what my mental illness says I am, I am, and I am enough! Just raw, naturally me, that is enough! It doesn’t matter if I work again, earn a dime, have my name in lights, have 100 or 100,000 followers, I just am enough, whole heartedly enough. I will keep blobbing, just like the jellyfish!
Just keep blobbing…..