I don’t know where to begin in explaining how this week has been, it has been like a car crash and a sunrise, a light over the hill after trudging through treacle.
I have been dissociating and switching quite badly, 5 presentations of different alters at once in one instance and I can’t find my way through, sometimes I can barely breathe they smother me out like I am a dimmed dot and they are all that is in focus. I can’t hear my own thoughts because I am in a crowded room, only there is no one else there, just me. It gets loud, confusing and agonising, and I am not myself, in fact I am not sure if I can recognise myself sometimes, I am just winging it, trying to be the me that I think I am meant to be. But really I am lost in this chaos!
Sometimes I cry from the depths of my soul in pain at the distress of what comes with living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Yet sometimes the voices are company too and sometimes the parts are funny and make me laugh. It isn’t all destroy and destruct, sometimes its light relief from intense emotions. Sometimes I am aware of them, some parts I know well now, others I don’t.
I feel like a freak show! Then I also feel like, wow the brain is clever, it did this to protect me, the brain is powerful and if I can master my mind I can surely get through this. I can and will overcome! God has made me to be more than a conqueror (Romans 8: 37 – ‘No, in all these things we are more than conquerors’).
I can run and hide but this will not go away. I cannot wake up right as rain anymore. I have to deal with all that is front of me, no looking back, but I need to move forward from this point, I cannot stay here, living like this. This is not me living my best life, but I am doing the best I can.
My mental health team are applying for me to get treatment in a residential unit again, I hope I can get there, I need the support and help to get well again. I have been doing well at times, but its like the elephant in the room, the monster in the cupboard – its all still there! Unless I peel back some more layers of the onion I am not going to get free. I need to tackle this head-on so I can be liberated from its hold of me.
I don’t want to go back, but I do want to move forward to a new me that will be happy and free.
Amidst all of this chaos, I managed to complete my wellness course and am now a certified wellness coach which I am so thrilled about. Just shows you that even during times of internal conflict and struggle, triumph can still be found.
Even on the hardest of days there are glimmers of hope, love, joy, adventure and fun.
I have also been making good progress with my fitness, with running and cycling, even in this heatwave. Exercise is amazing and I get so much from it. I have also fallen in love – with a horse – called ‘socks’. I never understood the horsey thing before, but now I totally get it and have bonded with this amazing cob horse who grooms me back because he likes me too and that is a wonderful feeling and experience. I have to lose 4 stone to be able to ride him as I am too heavy for him right now, but that has just given me even more incentive to get in shape so I can get in the saddle and enjoy riding. (I haven’t got on a horse since I was a child, so this will be interesting when the time comes haha).
I hope after some intensive treatment I can get back onto this road towards living a full and independent life again. Thanks for all your continued love, support and prayers. I will trust in the journey, trust in the process.